Movie Title: The Lords of Salem
Date Released: March 11th, 2013 (SXSW Film Festival)
Date Seen: April 25th, 2013
Seen with: Cory (friend)
Part 1 – Spoiler Free Quickie Review
I like Rob Zombie, and typically love his movies. This one however – I thought fell way short of his usual standards. Yes, it was still Rob Zombie in the crazy weird, slightly gross, wtf-ness of it all – but it had no well thought out plot – honestly, if you tell someone the plot of the movie, you’ll get to the end of it and be like “ok yeah, so then what happens?” Not because it feels like something is missing or unanswered – more of just the whole movie is like the beginning of part of a plot. There was so much more the movie could have done, especially with the ending. It was basically just and hour and a half of development. No climax, no resolution, no nothing. Just development.
The movie honestly felt like Rob Zombie got drunk, played a game of Mad-Libs, and this movie is what happened. “Yes, let’s add in a bunch of ____________(noun) in the town of ______(place). The main character will ____________(verb). The plot will have elements from ___________, __________, and ___________ (movies/books). And for a bit of shock value, make sure to include a lot of _____________ (something disturbing/gross)” The result was “Yes, let’s add in a bunch of naked old women in the town of Salem. The main character will have dreadlocks and a hideous fur coat. The plot will have elements from Rosemary’s Baby, Any Tentacle Porn Movie, and Hocus Pocus. And for a bit of shock value, make sure to include a lot of wrinkly, naked old woman with saggy boobs.”
During the movie there were several moments that I had to stifle laughter. One point I couldn’t control it it was just so stupid (but also, my favorite scene in the movie). Even as we left the theater, the only other guys in the theater had to ask us, in a very hesitative voice “so… what did you guys think of the movie?” They agreed with us that the movie was just not up to par.
Part 2 – In Depth Spoiler Ridden Review
Nothing really happened. Sheri Moon-Zombie’s character, Heidi, gets a record, listens to it, it makes her and all the women in the town act weird. She starts hallucinating all the time, seeing these burned priests/doctors/etc. every where. Her neighbor lady drugs her, takes her to an empty apartment, where a burned midget baby thing with tentacles throws his tentacles at her, she holds them, and vibrates… then she leaves and goes to sleep. Then eventually, she goes to a concert hall where she births a baby Satan – that tentacle thing. The end.
Clearly, a lot of detail is missing, but it’s just so stupid. It’s a lot of Sheri Moon Zombie just kind of making a stupid drugged out face, or rocking back and forth. Lots of it. I like when she acts all crazy and hyper and does her creepy laugh, but there’s none of that here. Not fun.
So, Rosemary’s baby elements, are obvious, except that we don’t get to see if she “accepted” the baby at the end like in that movie. Tentacle porn, quite obvious where I came up with that one. Hocus Pocus, is that the movie happens in Salem, is about witches, and the lady that owns the apartment is a very smart lady with two friends (one of them is an idiot and the other is just kind of dark and depressing with Bette Midler kind of hair) who turn out being witches themselves.
The other “weird” or gross out parts are the COUNTLESS naked women. Usually old wrinkly women, but at the end you get a lot of just random naked women all coming towards Heidi with masks on. Then she appears in a virgin-mary type image, white and glowing, standing on top of all their naked bodies. I said she looked like the lesbian-orgy queen. Then there’s a lot of just random wtf-ness: Burned up priest guys jacking off (with all the noises to go with it), the creepy tentacle dude, the naked wrinkly lady just being in random place’s in Heidi’s apartment, the tentacle baby, etc.
Not up to Rob Zombie’s usual standards. The main character is boring, not a lot happens, and there is basically no plot.