Movie Title: The Three Musketeers
Director: Paul W.S. Anderson
Date Released: October 21st, 2011
Date Seen: December 6th, 2012
Part 1 – Spoiler Free Quickie Review
Cartoon-ish villains, unlikeable heros, and ridiculously simple plot that is mind-numbing at times. I almost gave up on watching this movie I was so bored and annoyed with the main characters. I was way more on team villain than on team musketeers, because they at least were hilarious, albeit cartoony. They at least entertained me significantly more than the stereotypical musketeers. It’s kind of like they wanted to make another musketeer movie – and keep them classic – but also wanted to appeal to everyone and have outrageous costumes, characters, and plots, and so they went that way with the villains. Orlando Bloom’s character was SO overdone, and yet was by far my favorite. His hair, costumes, manner of speaking, just everything about him was extreme – but I loved it. It made him interesting to watch, unlike the boring musketeers whose names I can’t even remember ( Ok I can because I know the Musketeers story – but from just this movie, I wouldn’t remember them ).
I was also disappointed in the music in the movie. The trailer has pretty awesome music – but this was just disappointing. It was kind of the same one riff over and over again, even during fight scenes. I love fight scenes with good music, but there was none of that. I was really looking forward to it as well, so it was another let down.
I’m glad I never saw this in the theater – because I wouldn’t suggest paying for this crap. They left the movie open for a sequel – and I highly doubt I’d go see it.
Part 2 – In Depth Spoiler Ridden Review
D’Artagnan (Logan Lerman) is the most annoying little shit in the whole world. I mean, I almost preferred the annoying little brat of a king to D’Artagnan. At least the king had a reason to be annoying as shit – is a rich little spoiled brat. D’Artagnan has no reason to be a disrespectful piece of crap… and he’s a main character so we see him all the time. Another reason he is annoying is that that blonde chick turns him down multiple times – but he will do anything for her – like risk their lives. Seriously? Just get a hooker, it’d be cheaper.
Other things that annoy me – at the very beginning of the movie, the men have no problem blowing up Da Vinci’s vault and destroying everything in there. Really?
The big “fight” to break into the English palace was boring as shit. It was a grand total of about 2 minutes. And went exactly to plan. That’s just no fun, now is it. Then, on the ship, Milady doesn’t even try to drop the diamonds off the thing? Come on. Then, the next scene, we find out that the French now have an airship too – if they were able to build it with just one look and no plans, why was it necessary to go get the plans in the first place – and destroy Da Vinci’s workshop? Geez.
I’m also unsure of why they didn’t expose the cardinal as well – because you know that he’s going to try something again. But no. Just let him walk away. I mean, I’m happy because I love Christoph Waltz – but still, come on musketeers! He’s the one making all these plans so seems like he’d be the one you most likely want to dispose of. Ugh.
I don’t think I’d even redbox rent this one. Maybe a netflix instant viewing – don’t waste a DVD slot on it like I did, it’s not even that good.