Movie Title: Brave
Directors: Mark Andrews, Brenda Chapman, Steve Purcell
Release Date: June 22nd, 2012
Date Seen: June 24th, 2012
Seen With: Anna (sister) and Dad
Part 1 – Spoiler Free Quickie Review
The story of a red-headed brat who doesn’t listen to her parents and because of it almost gets her mom murdered.
This movie annoyed me to death. YES kids will like it, and YES their parents and other adults probably will too. But I didn’t. And this is my blog. So I shall say what I want about it. I found everyone in this movie extremely dumb and unable to multi-task. If you have kids, take them to see it. If you like kids movie, you should probably see it. I still didn’t like it.
Part 2 – In Depth Spoiler Ridden Review
So, you walk into this movie thinking – aw yeah! A movie with a GIRL lead who takes control of her life for the better! This is gonna be awesome.
From the trailer you know the premise of the beginning of the movie – there is a competition where the “first born” of each clan may try to win Merida, the princess, for marriage. Since she is the first born of her clan, she also competes, kicks their asses, and her momma is p.i.s.s.e.d. Queen Elenor has spent her whole life trying to teach Merida to be a good princess (with all these various skills that we know shall come in later in the movie as useful!). And now, on this one day, Merida is suddenly SO pissed like she had no idea it was ever coming. So really Merida, you’re dumb for just now realizing “oh shit, I do have to marry someone random!” In a fit of rage she slashes apart this tapestry and then storms off on her horse.
Now, in the woods, there is this Stonehenge type area that is magical (I guess) and reappears various times throughout the movie. Merida sees these floating blue things ( I forgot what they’re called ) that to me looked like jellyfish. So we shall call them forest-jellies. The magical forest jellies lead Merida to a witch. Who carves wooden bears. Exciting, right? The wood carving witch agrees to make Merida a spell to “change her mother – which will change her fate”. We also learn that this is happened once before – a prince came and did this – hm, I wonder if it’s the same prince that her Mom mentioned ruined an entire kingdom – nope, Merida doesn’t think of that. The wood-carving-witch makes up this awesome spell – in bundt cake form. Oh yes, this woman is clearly the real deal.
So Merida starts walking away and fails to hear the witch say “Now what was that one other thing about the spell…. oh well!” Merida doesn’t notice though, because she is walking. No one in this movie can multi task, so walking and listening, never gonna happen.
She takes her mom the bundt cake, and her mom takes a bite, and then she just leaves the cake there, sitting in the kitchen for any random person (or three little brothers who are known pigs) to eat. So yeah, skipping ahead, at some point the three boys eat the cake too. So what happens when you eat the cake – YOU TURN INTO A BEAR.
How ironic. Why ironic? Well, the King is known as the bear king. He hates bears. An evil bear (that has never been caught… hmmm) ate his leg off, and no one can kill it. So yeah, she turns into a bear. Meridas all omg no – that STUPID WITCH IT’S ALL HER FAULT I TOLD HER TO CHANGE YOU AND…. oh wait, that’s what I get for being stupid and not putting any details into my wish/spell/whatever. Dumbass.
To get her out of the castle is a pretty hilarious scene – Bear Queen (that’s what we shall call her now that she’s a bear) runs around at first ashamed, ends up finding her three sons causing a ruckus in some room, and she makes them clean it up. They don’t question that she’s a bear, they just do it. Merida asks them to help her get their mom, Bear Queen, out of the castle so that hubby and all his drunk angry friends don’t kill her. They agree only after she offers up her dessert for a year (not because their mom is a bear, ya know, only for dessert!). Then hilarity ensues watching the boys lead the drunk angry Scottish men on a wild goose… bear… chase around the castle while Bear Queen and Merida get out. It was a good scene. As Bear Queen and Merida leave, she tells them to eat anything they want in the kitchen…. oh shit, we all know what they’re gonna eat.
Merida decides to go try and find the forest jellies again to lead her back to the witch. She can’t find them, but her mom kind of storms off and they eventually stumble upon the witches hobbit cave. She’s not there. But then comes one of the best scenes in the whole movie. When they walk into the empty cabin, they set off a rube Goldberg device that ends up starting a cauldron boiling. Up pops an image of the witches head, and it’s basically a selection menu. The witch head says “We’re all out of bear wood carvings at the moment, but for wedding topper or portrait ordering information, pour in vial 1. For this menu in Gaelic, pour vial 2.” It flashes to a set of 5 vials right next to the cauldron. “If you’re that red-headed girl I saw yesterday, vial 3. To speak with a live rep…” at that moment she pours in 3. This is why you should ALWAYS LISTEN TO ALL THE OPTIONS!!!! Number 4 sounded like it was to speak with a “live representative”…stupid girl. But whatever. The witch reveals that the spell will be permanent after the second sunrise (random) and the only way to break it is to mend the bond that was broken. The whole idea of this scene was pure genius. I loved it.
The next morning (why did you sleep if you know you have less than 48 hours?!), they need to get some food. So there is this “heartfelt” bonding time between Bear Queen and Merida and some poor unfortunate fishes. Merida fishes a few, and then teaches Bear Queen how to hunt like a bear and eat them raw like a bear… then her mom walks away (on all fours) and then growls at Merida – like she’s a real bear. Merida gets all upset and says “omg you’re changing – it’s like you were a real bear!”. Well no shit, and I’m sure that teaching your mom to fish like a bear didn’t help that along. Dumbass. They head back to Stonehenge, and find the magical forest jellies once again who lead them to a ruin – this is where Merida figures out that the old prince in her story must have done this spell too.. and OMG HE WAS TURNED INTO A BEAR – AND OMG HE’S THE BEAR THAT ATE MY DADS LEG – AND OMG HE’S RIGHT BEHIND ME. Mom saves her by pulling her away and they ride off… back to Stonehenge.
Now here comes a series of genius idea after genius ideas (sarcasm). Merida thinks that the “bond that was broken” is the tapestry she ripped earlier. So if she just sews together the tapestry, it’ll all be good. We all know the witch meant their relationship, but whatever. So they have to go get the tapestry. Rather than Merida, who no one is looking for or worried about, going in alone and getting it and bringing it outside to fix (or even just fixing it herself) – she decides to bring Bear Queen BACK into the castle with all the now SUPER angry Scottish men (who are now shooting at each other with arrows in the castle because they all want to get some of that sweet Merida… oh wait kids movie… who all want their sons to marry her). And of course the ONLY one way to this room where the tapestry is, is straight through the room of angry Scottish men.
Merida decides to distract all the men by using all the public speaking skills her mom taught her (WHAT?! YOU MEAN THEY’RE USEFUL!?) and trying to resolve the issue (AGAIN SKILLS HER MOM TAUGHT HER THAT ARE USEFUL!?) between the clansmen. Bear Queen is trying to sneak around the back of the room. If anyone looks, she just poses like any of the stuffed dead bears in the room. So Merida starts giving this heartfelt speech about how we should be able to marry who we want, not because we have to (which her mom stops for a second to encourage her) and all the sons are like “OMG THAT’S A GREAT IDEA!” and so their dads go along with it. But, this whole speech is like a 5 minute ordeal. What does Momma Bear do? STAND THERE AND LISTEN. Maybe it’s a family trait that they can’t walk and listen? I mean, what is smart about this at all? You have the room full of angry Scottish men who failed to kill the bear last night so are now trying to kill each other, and while you have a great distraction you just STAND THERE LISTENING!? Ugh.
So, they get up there, dad comes in sees Bear Queen, freaks out, locks Merida in the tower and won’t listen to her screaming that it’s his wife, and gives the key to the big-breasted-castle-helper lady. While the men chase Bear Queen to Stonehenge, the three bear brothers get the key to let Merida out. How do they do this? They corner her in the kitchen, and then one dive bombs into her breasts. You think I’m kidding? See below (it starts around 43 seconds in if you don’t want to watch it all.)
On a side note, that “trailer” or “commercial” was cute. So back to my review – that scene is what I like to call “Pedo-Bear: The Beginning”. Merida, while waiting for her brothers to get the key, does she sew up the tapestry? No. Instead she cries out the window. Ugh.
So Merida gets out, and as she rides she now sews up the tapestry… wait what?! NOW is the time she decides to multi task?! Ugh. So she arrives at Stonehenge at the exact moment that dad is about to kill Bear Queen and she kind of fights her dad and then omg evil bear shows up and starts attacking them! The king decides to fight the big evil bear “bare handed” (ha-ha), which is a genius idea considering it has previously eaten off one of his legs. Whatever. Evil bear knocks him away, go towards Merida, then Momma bear rips through her ropes and ends up killing the evil bear. Then the sun comes up and omg why hasn’t she changed 😦 😦 😦 sad face 😦 😦 :(… oh wait, just kidding, she does. And so do the boys. And they’re all naked. Luckily though, Momma was wrapped in the tapestry so she’s not totally uncovered.
So yeah, that’s kind of the movie. If dumb annoying girl wouldn’t have been annoying in the beginning, she wouldn’t have almost caused her Dad to murder her mom. “But Maria, then she would have had to marry some random guy!” Alright random person, but if she was smart, she would have solved this problem a long time ago rather than wait until THE DAY OF the ceremony to suddenly protest it. So since she’s dumb, I don’t care.
It had its cute and funny moments. I think kids will enjoy it. But it was just frustrating to watch with the dumb characters for me personally, especially since they just annoyed the shit out of me.