Movie Title: Snow White and the Huntsman
Release Date: June 1st, 2012
Date Seen: June 2nd, 2012
Part 1 – Spoiler-Free Quickie Review
Oh dear god. Don’t go see this movie. Unless you want to laugh your ass off at the ridiculousness of it.
Part 2 – In-Depth Spoiler Ridden Review
First off, I can honestly say I went into this movie HOPING it’d be good. I was even willing to put all my Kristen Stewart preconceived notions about her acting skills aside to give her a real chance. That all lasted about… 15 minutes TOPS. I went with my Dad and younger sister, Anna (she’s 19). There was a row of about 10 people two rows down, and about three other random couples in the smallish theater. My dad, sister, and I thought we’d be disappointed with the movie, but were hoping it’d at least be visually pleasing and perhaps have a good story. Dear god were we wrong. Let me go through our thoughts as they happened.
1 – The evil queen’s albino brother – “hey look, it’s the albino from the Da Vinci Code!”
2 – Snow White (Kristen Stewart)’s “escape” from the tower.
a) She’s been stuck in this tower for supposedly… what? 8 years? 10 years? 12 years? I forgot. But seriously, a number of years. And suddenly, she looks out the window and finds a rusty nail CONVENIENTLY on the same day they decide it’s time to kill her. Really, in all that time she’s never ONCE bothered to look out that window and see that GIANT nail sticking out? Nice.
b) She escapes through the sewers (and comes out relatively clean) and then jumps into the ocean all because these creepy birds tell her too. Then the creepy birds lead her to a beautiful white horse just sitting and chillin’ waiting for her. The moment the camera turns and you see the horse, my sister and I burst out laughing. Hardcore laughing. Even my dad-who-does-not-show-emotion was chuckling. It was just so ridiculous. This is the moment when I lost faith in the movie AND the moment when the rest of theater began to hate our guts.
3 – The dark forest. Anna and I noticed some hilarious and some familiar creatures in the dark forest. For example, the dementor like creature. Really, a dark hooded wispy man type creature? Ok. Then there was some gargoyle type things. Then there was our personal favorite – the demon oysters that farted. That is exactly what they looked like. God.
4 – When the Huntsman leaves the fishing village and then comes back to save Snow White…. shocker. Didn’t see that one coming. *sarcasm*
5 – The dwarfs! One of the few good things in the movie! The main-ish type dwarf, Beith (Ian McShane) was pretty fabulous. But, Ian McShane in nearly any role is pretty fabulous. Then there was the crazy-old-man-dwarf, Muir (Bob Hoskins) who had a crazy eye. Other note able dwarfs were Coll (Toby Jones), Nion (Nick Frost) – which was an unexpected surprise, and Gus (Brian Gleeson). And there were a few more. In total 8 dwarfs, and one of them gets killed to bring the fabled 7 dwarfs. I loved Gus. He was the best. Why? He asks Snow White to dance and they do a merry jig around the fire. Then he says “now time for a hug!” and goes in for a hug. But how tall is he? Exactly the height of Kristen Stewarts “boobs”. I put quotations because she really doesn’t have any. But was still hilarious to watch Gus slam his face into them, basically. That led to Anna and I making some good boob jokes. And then Gus, the awesome dwarf, gets killed at some point later.
6 – The White Stag sequence – aka comedic gold. I shall go at this in order.
– Snow White wakes up. She sees her friends the birds. They fly up to her, and from their chests, these creepy “fairy” things melt out of their chests. It never explained what they were, but since we were supposedly in the forest where fairies lived, I’m guessing that’s what they were supposed to be. They kind of looked like if you took the body of the pale man from Pan’s Labyrinth + the Avatar creatures faces and mixed them together.
– The fairies now start leading her off into the woods. She follows the direction they point her. A lot of other animals start going with her as well, such as bunnies, turtles, a badger, some birds, the recently exorcised birds, and the bigger stuff. I guess the fairies decide “screw it, we can fly and stuff, but we’re tired!” So one fairy hops on a bunny and rides it. The other fairy hops on a turtle and rides it. The birds, following suit, ride the badger. NO I AM NOT KIDDING. At this point, hysterical laughter ensues again.
– The dwarfs wake up and notice Snow White is gone. They see her walking through the beautiful magical forest, into a bright light, and then this sequence ensues:
Random dwarf: Where is she going?
Old Dwarf: To see him…
Random dwarf: To see who?!
My sister: ASLAN!
– This time the other people in the theater joined in because that was epic. The scene just continued being craptastically hilarious, plot wise. I will say, it was one of the prettiest scenes, if you can get past the whole fairy riding the bunny thing.
7 – Snow White eating the apple. She’s so dumb. William suddenly has a complete character shift and goes all 100% after Snow White trying to get in her pants. Does Snow suspect anything? Nope. Not at all. Idiot.
8 – The “kiss” to wake her up. Well, William kisses her pretty quick after she eats the apple. But oh no, she doesn’t wake up. My sister goes “yeah, her true love was Gus. We’re all screwed.” (Gus was the boob-happy-dwarf that got killed). They take her to the castle, and Thor… I mean the Huntsman, goes all necrophilic on Snow White (wait a minute… shouldn’t that be in a Twilight movie?!?!), and *shocker* his kiss is the one that wakes her up. Anyone who didn’t see that coming a mile away needs to be slapped.
9 – The “epic” fight scene. If you’ve seen the movie, you’re asking – wait, what epic fight scene?! The one that supposedly is the big battle in the movie that the trailer make looks prominent. Oh wait, you’ve seen the movie trailer? Then you’ve seen the whole fight scene. I think the whole storming the castle part was MAYBE a minute long (although some hilarious parts with the dwarfs, I will admit). Then the cool fight scene in the queens castle with those cool things that turn into glass when you kill them? If you’ve seen the trailer you’ve seen the whole 30 second fight in there. That was disappointing. It had potential. It was cool, but just way too short.
10 – The Queen’s death. The Queen stands in the burning hot fire showing how epically awesome she is at healing herself. She just keeps letting her self get burned and healing repeatedly. Then, she steps out of the fire, and Snow White stabs her in the side. And somehow that kills her. But wait! Earlier in the movie – SOME KID STABBED HER EXACTLY IN THE SAME SPOT! Really!?!? And I know, Snow White had “pure” blood or some b.s. like that, so only she could kill the queen, but really!?! Ugh. Fail.
Thoughts on actors:
Ravenna – The Queen – Charlize Theron – She was incredible as always. I actually found her 100x more likeable than the Snow White character and found myself rooting for her. Maybe it’s just the bitch in me rooting for the bitch, or because I hated Snow so much… either way, awesome.
Snow White – Kristen Stewart – While I do think Kristen’s acting range is getting a tiny bit bigger, there were still moments when I thought to myself (and relayed to my sister) “I can’t tell if she’s confused… constipated… or having an orgasm.” She was the weakest link (goodbye!).
The Huntsman – Chris Hemsworth – Meh. He did alright. I love Chris Hemsworth, but since I’ve seen him as Thor so much recently, Thor kept popping into my head.
Don’t go see it. Unless you want to laugh your butt off. It had potential, but failed. The visual effects were nice, and some of the creatures cool, and Charlize Theron awesome, but overall a major disappointment.